Editor’s Note: This semester women from our three campuses have read Titus 2 and shared what God placed on their heart. May you be encouraged and challenged to connect with God and the power of His presence in this season of your life.
Ten months ago, Brent and I decided to try adoption again. Our hearts were ready. The timing was good. Johnny would be 3 when Baby would arrive, so they could share a room. The girls are the perfect age and would be so helpful. He and Johnny would be best buds. They’d play dinosaurs, giggle, and wrestle. I had dreams. After our first international adoption attempt, we said that we wanted to have the next one “handed over to us”. This one was. How could this not be God? Doors kept opening, so we kept walking.
My husband was apprehensive the first three months. We sought counsel from God, family, friends, attorneys, etc. Over the next few months, I went to sonograms and grew a relationship with the birth mom. After four months, Brent finally decided this baby boy was going to be our 4thchild. Two days later, the birth mom started having complications. We immediately texted our support system asking for prayers and wisdom. Liam Jacob was born at 23 weeks and went to be with Jesus that same day. I’ve never experienced pain like that before.
The joy I had was sucked right out of me. How could this be God? I felt angry at Him. “We’ve been faithful. We’ve done everything right. Why are you taking this away from us?” I just didn’t understand. I felt alone.
The devil knows when we are vulnerable, and his subtle deceiving whispers walked me into a season of fear, anxiety, and stress. I didn’t notice it at first. I just felt disappointed, confused, and embarrassed by another unsuccessful adoption. “God, why do we feel called to adopt when it’s not working?” When our birth mom was in the hospital contracting the night before Liam was born, I went up at ministry time during Core to receive prayer. I tried to be strong, but I was disappointed. That night God brought some healing and comfort through the prayers of my friends.
But after Liam passed away, unhealed emotional wounds became a stronghold in my life. Ladies, we need to expose the devil when his lies feel true. I couldn’t have done this alone. Throughout this process I received advice, wisdom, and guidance from mentors. I’ve been a recipient of what Titus 2 is supposed to look like because the ladies in my life have taken this seriously. What did that look like?
- The book a friend gave me on miscarriages.
- The hug another gave me.
- The text to check on how I was doing.
- The encouragement from another friend, “God wants you to know He hasn’t given up on this dream, so you don’t either.”
- The prayer from another, “Allow disappointment to happen. You don’t have to guard your heart.”
- The spoken words of my Father to me, “I am faithful. Your plans pale in comparison to what I have for you. Keep trusting deeper.”
Does it hurt? Yes. Is it sad? Yes. Did it bring Brent and me closer? Yes. Is my relationship with my Father any different because my trust in His plan didn’t work out? Yes. It’s actually stronger, because I’m certain He has a better plan for us. God has given us the gift of community.
When we guard our heart and mind in truth, we won’t be shaken. Titus 2:13-14 reminds me that we can have hope. We have peace, worth, and infinite value in our Lord. We will endure hardships, but our Savior is coming. Don’t lose hope, Friend.
We would like to thank JuLea Bouma for this post.