Sitting down and writing this blog was a little more difficult than I was expecting. The Lord asked me to share my journey, and that’s not always an easy thing to do. Some parts of my journey I’ve preferred to keep to myself, but I know in sharing it, it can help someone else along their journey too. So… here goes!
Rage. Depression. Anxiety. Identity crisis.
Those were never words that I thought would be in my vocabulary to describe my journey through adulthood. When you’re young, you have this picture, or really an expectation, of what you think being an adult will be like. What being in college will be like. What being a wife will be like. What being a mother will be like. And now that I am approaching my mid-thirties, I can honestly say that none of it turned out the way that I had pictured.
In many ways it is so much more beautiful than I could have ever imagined on my own. But there have also been many, many moments where I have had to honestly deal with some really ugly things. I didn’t even know what post-partum depression was until after I had our first child. I didn’t understand why in one of the most joyous times in my life I didn’t even have the strength to get out of bed. I didn’t know what post-partum rage was until after I had our twin boys. I didn’t understand why I suddenly snapped, yelled, screamed at mere inconveniences. I didn’t know what post-partum anxiety was until after I had our youngest. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go a single day without imagining some of the most ridiculous things happening, while trying to control and make sure they never did.
Not a single one of those things felt like ME. My husband and I had our 4 kids in under 5 years, and I felt trapped in a person that didn’t feel like me – I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I felt so isolated and so alone. I tried so hard to make things look on the outside how I deeply wished I felt on the inside. Until I was too exhausted to carry it anymore. I thought losing weight would help. Making more money. Career promotions. Fitting in. But it was all just temporary. The Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10), and I had to be reminded of that truth. Cue the identity crisis – I had to walk through a lot of things falling apart so that the only One who could, put them back together.
God. In His tenderness and mercy, no rush or urgency. He reminded me of who He created me to be. That I was His. That I was made by Him for a purpose to do good things – the literal skill and precision of His creation (Ephesians 2:1-10). That I was given a spirit of power, love and self-discipline (2 Timothy 1:7). That He loves me with an everlasting love (Jeremiah 31:3).
I had to walk through some difficult things that didn’t seem fair to truly grasp His unfailing love for me. Sure, there were little pockets of joy along the winding way – always because of Him. But because He always works things out for our good, it’s a little easier now to find joy in the journey, because my joy comes from Him and not my circumstances.
We want to thank Paige Keller for sharing this post.
Women's Ministry 