I hesitate to write this blog post today, because I’m still trying to understand and process this situation with the Lord. Last week at Freedom in Christ, the Lord revealed to me that I’m not fully trusting in Him because of this part of our family’s story. So, here is me and all my rawness.
We adopted 3 of our kids from foster care and then the Lord gave us 1 biological kid. From the oldest to the youngest, there is only 25 months in age difference, so basically, all 4 of our kids are the same age – like Irish quadruplets! Our oldest son, John, has 2 biological siblings. In foster care, especially when the kids are still in care prior to adoption, when a sibling comes into the world, the foster parents are typically the ones who get “the call”. At the time of both kids making their entrance into the world, we were fully and completely unable to handle any more babies in our house, so both of those siblings got placed in other foster homes. The youngest of his siblings was born in November of 2020. Her name is Bella.
We got “the call” for Bella but were unable to welcome her into our home, but our best friends at the time were also fostering, so we told CPS to please consider our friends, the Russells, for placement. They did! John and Bella were going to be able to grow up like cousins, still living life together, just in separate homes, and with our very best friends as her parents. This was the best outcome for our families, but most importantly, for John and Bella.
In July 2021, Bella got sick with RSV. They took her to the hospital; she was acting lethargic and not breathing normally. The hospital gave her medicine and breathing treatments and that little girl perked right up! The next morning though, all her vitals started plummeting. We got the call from Mike, her dad, that they were going to air-flight her to another hospital. The medical staff tried and tried to get her stable enough to get in the helicopter, but they were not able. Bella died that day in the hospital in the arms of our best friends. She was a few days shy of 8 months old.
The next few weeks were a blur. No one should ever have to bury their child. It’s not fair. It’s not right. I was mad that the Lord did not answer my desperate prayers to save her. How can I trust the Lord’s plan when that plan involved this innocent child’s death?
“We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, so that he would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”
Romans 8:28-29 CSB
If you have been through a hard thing and you grew up in church, you have heard those verses many times. In the depths of grief, you probably have been really mad about that verse being sent your way. GOOD? How can anything about Bella’s death be good? But that’s not what the Lord means in this verse. He’s not calling her death good, or the circumstances of her death good. He is saying that through your circumstances, God will make goodness. What is this goodness? Verse 29 says that we will be conformed to the image of his Son! He works everything in our lives to transform us to looking more and more like Jesus. If we love God, we are constantly looking to the Lord, even in the hardest most grief-stricken times in our lives.
So how do we trust the Lord after tragedy? We look to His Word and see all that He did throughout history. We look back on our life and see all that He has done in our lives, in the lives of our friends and family. Was Bella’s death fair? Absolutely not. But here, 4 years later, I can see a glimpse of how the Lord has used her story to bring healing to strangers. The Lord used Bella’s death to bring her biological dad to Jesus. Only the Lord can turn complete tragedy into a beautiful story of redemption.
Do I wish the Lord would have answered my most desperate prayers that day? Yes. And that answer will never change. But am I learning to trust that the Lord already knows about all the tragedy I will face in my life? Also, yes. Like I said at the beginning of this blog, this fully learning to trust in the Lord thing is still a work in progress. I wish I could tell you that with all my heart I trust in Him without any hesitation. I am praying that the Lord continues to mold me and shape me into looking more and more like Jesus. I pray that wholehearted trust continues to grow and establish a place in my heart and mind. But most importantly, dear sister, I pray for you. I pray that the Lord will show you his overwhelming, trustworthy love to you. If you are currently walking through grief, I pray that you cling to Jesus. HE IS OUR HOPE. Without Him, what is the purpose of tragedy and grief? But WITH Him, we have hope. Cling to Jesus.
We want to thank Megan Hollis for sharing this post.
Women's Ministry 