Marriage – Page 3 – Women's Ministry

Re: Honor in Marriage

January 2, 2017December 24, 2016by hcfwomen1 Comment

Happy New Year! During the month of January, we will be reposting some of the top posts from 2016. We hope these will encourage you and connect to your heart. Stay tuned for all new posts coming in February 2017!

Not long after we were married, Curtis and I moved into a small, old farmhouse WAY out in the country. We were pretty much newlyweds, and I was blissfully unaware of what life would be like out in the country. For the most part, it was fun. Some of our favorite memories of marriage are when we lived in the country. But it was also where we had our first big argument.
Well, it was a fight. I’m just going to be real.

I came home one afternoon after work, and the toilet was in the dining room. In. The. Dining. Room. Curtis had a saw and was cutting a hole into the wall of our one and only bathroom. He proceeded to tell me that we had a leak, and he was fixing it. I asked him, WHEN HE WAS GOING TO PUT THE TOILET BACK IN THE BATHROOM!? He told me we would be without water for several days, but he put a bar of soap out by the windmill and some toilet paper outside if I needed to go to the bathroom. Y’all, he was serious. I FREAKED!!!!!

Although we both come from good, God-fearing families, we came into our marriage with two TOTALLY different experiences. For example, when something broke at Curtis’ house, they fixed it. When something broke at MY house, we called a professional to fix it.🙂 This seems very insignificant. But I soon found out that this was important to me. Honestly, the toilet in the dining room was merely an inconvenience that I had to experience. It was certainly not the end of the world, and we laugh about it now (Because when things break, he still fixes them himself).

In hindsight, this was one of the first lessons I learned about HONOR in my marriage. My expectation was disappointed by reality. Ladies, this happens in every marriage. If it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. We all react differently when we are in our “pain cycle.” As for me, I spoke loudly and erratically. Well…I yelled, ok?

After I calmed down and we talked about it, Curtis informed me that it was not ok for me to speak loudly and erratically to him when I’m upset. That’s just not how things were going to be resolved in our home. And he’s right. Even though I felt like I had the right to be angry with him, I still had to learn how to honor him when we disagreed (Or when he was going to fix something that was broken).

Proverbs 31: 12 speaks of a wife of noble character relating to her husband: “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

Notice it doesn’t say she will bring him good, not harm….only when she feels loved and cherished by him; or only when he listens to all of her problems and gives her his undivided attention; or only when he comes home from work and helps her cook dinner, cleans up the kitchen, helps with bath time, and puts all the kids to bed. It doesn’t say she will bring him good, not harm…only when he becomes the spiritual leader of the home; or only when he stops looking at pornography; or only when he treats her the way she expects to be treated.

If I’m honoring my husband ONLY when my expectations are being met, then I’m not really honoring with God’s grace. Actually, if this is the only time I honored Curtis, I would be setting myself up for an unhealthy marriage, an unhappy husband, and an unsatisfied life.

So what does HONOR look like in a marriage when your expectations are constantly being disappointed by reality? It looks like:

praying for your husband even when you really want to speak loudly and erratically
learning to be patient when you really want to nag
treating him the way you want to be treated when you are frustrated with something he’s done (or not done)
being his cheerleader even when you think you know how to do it better
being his advocate when others put him down
learning how to manage your home so you’re not co-dependent on him

So what if your problems aren’t just the run-of-the-mill marital problems? What if there is abuse or addiction? Get help. There are so many incredible professionals who can help you walk through any and every kind of situation.

We’ve got to start letting go of trying to “fix him,” and start seeking the One Who created marriage, knows our every desire and need, and brings us complete joy in this life when we surrender to Him. We all have the ability to be a wife of noble character, whose husband has full confidence in her–to be a woman who fears the Lord. This takes honesty, diligence, vulnerability, repentance, and perseverance. This will take a lifetime of learning who you are in Christ and how you can be one flesh with the man God gave you. Don’t give up, friend! I want to encourage you to examine your heart and look for new ways you can honor your husband today!

This post was written by Allison House. To read more about her, click here.

Family, Holy Spirit, Hospitality, Marriage

Making a Home: For the Working Wife

October 3, 2016September 3, 2016by hcfwomen1 Comment

We are kicking off a new topic this month about Making a Home.

As women, we play a vital role in establishing God’s kingdom in our home.

We are carriers of His peace, love, and joy, and our homes should be bursting with the manifest presence of the Holy Spirit.

But when you need to get dinner out of the oven while simultaneously moving over a load of laundry, feeding the dog, and checking your kid’s homework, it sure doesn’t feel like a Sunday morning worship song.

For me personally, I have to battle the excuse that hangs on the tip of my tongue: “But I work too!”

And for whatever reason, this is the most challenging for me when it comes to dinner. Those infamous words that put me in my pain cycle: “What’s for dinner?”

The screaming crazy woman in my head—the one in business slacks and a nice blouse, setting her laptop bag down and taking off her heels—wants to shout, “I don’t know! I work too!”

Any working wives relate?

But my job is to establish my home; in fact, Proverbs 14:1 says,

The wisest of women builds her home, but the foolish, with her own hands, tears it down.

Do you see what power we have in our home?

I’ve also learned that I’m not supposed to build my house alone. I’m not a martyr, falling on the sword of unending laundry and “What’s for dinner?” conversations.

Dinner was my struggle, and all I had to do was tell my sweet hubs how hard that was for me to come home and figure out dinner after working all day.

Our guys want to help—yes, your husband too.

They often don’t know how to help us or what we need.

So, how can I build peace in my home between the hours of 5:30 and 6:30 when dinner needs to supernaturally appear?

Well, I work best with a plan. We plan what we can cook—emphasis on we. We plan what nights will be leftovers or something easy (e.g. hot dogs). We plan what can be pre-cooked and frozen—usually those are the best plans.

We grocery shop on Sunday, and we make a plan for the week. The screaming crazy woman disappears and is replaced by joy and peace.

If you want peace in your home, you’ve got to communicate with your family. Get a cleaning schedule. Create a chore chart. Plan your meals for a week (or a month!).

Whatever you need to do, talk to your husband and do it.

When we establish peace in our homes, we are a blessing to our husbands and our children; we bring God’s kingdom there; we invite the Holy Spirit to move; and we influence His reign in our families.

Don’t you want some of that in your house? I know I do!

This post was written by Laura Brandenburg. To read more about her, click here.

Faith, Family, Marriage, Trust

The Heart of a Wife

August 22, 2016August 7, 2016by hcfwomen1 Comment

When I was single, I used to dream about being a Proverbs 31 wife. I used to pray and plead with God to bring my husband to me, and in exchange, I promised to strive to be just like her.

I knew how to sew. Check.

I loved to cook. Check.

I feared the Lord. Check.

The problem with my logic was that naively, I was only focusing on the lengthy list of what the P31 wife did, and never really stopped to consider what must have been in her heart. You know, who she really was. When I finally married my husband, Bryan, I quickly realized I wasn’t even close to making good on my promise to God. I identified much more with the contentious woman in Proverbs whose husband preferred to live on the corner of the roof. Can any of you relate?

What if we looked deeper into the story of this incredible Proverbs 31 woman and asked God to show us her heart? When I read about her without zeroing in on her many accolades, I am able to see a woman that, at her core, trusted God completely and was full of faith for her family.

My husband, Bryan, is a farmer, and when we got married, I couldn’t fathom the measure of faith that I would need to be a farmer’s wife. In the five years we’ve been together, I can’t think of very many things that Bryan has asked of me. He is the most giving and caring man I know and demands little from me as a wife. But, the one thing he does consistently ask of me is to have faith. He asks me to pray, often. For him. For rain. For rest. For peace. For us. He knows and understands that when I choose to trust God and have faith for our family, his heart can trust in me.

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. ~ Proverbs 31:11

Sure, I could make my own lengthy list of what I think the heart of a wife should look like.
Submissive.
Loving.
Honoring.
Gives respect.
Selfless.

But, aren’t these qualities that must flow from a heart full of trust and faith?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not depend on your own understanding. Submit to Him in all your ways and He will make your paths straight. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

I truly believe that the most loving thing I can do for my husband is to trust God and receive faith from Him. I’m kidding myself if I think I can trust and submit to Bryan if I can’t first trust and submit to God.

It’s when I’m spent and exhausted, depleted of peace, even fearful at times, that submission, honor, and respect for Bryan have to be forced and if I’m honest, are a burden. However, when I am full of faith, putting all my trust in God, I find that submission, honor, and respect become a mantle. They flow from the heart of a wife that is full and satisfied.

To me, the heart of a wife embodies many things, but in the deepest parts, I believe it holds a steadfast trust in God and a capacity to receive great faith from Him.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13

This post was written by Amber Curry. To read more about her, click here.

Honor, Marriage, Singleness

Responding to What’s Real

March 29, 2016March 28, 2016by hcfwomenLeave a Comment

The feminine heart was intricately designed by God to be responsive. Our hearts naturally long to be courted and to be won. However, we do ourselves and the men in our lives a disservice when we indulge ourselves in a practice of over-romanticizing marriage and dating relationships. It can truly shut down our ability to respond freely and fully when it is time to.

Sometimes I think the poor fellas can be sabotaged before they even begin to approach one of us because we have nurtured such outlandish expectations of what those encounters with the opposite sex are “supposed” to be like. I about did Greg in during that season of our lives with analyzing what I should be feeling, how he should or shouldn’t be leading, whether we had the right amount of “fireworks,” and if I was about to miss God’s will if I went for it. How much time and emotional energy had I invested for years in romantic fantasy, fueled by movies, books (Christian romance, of course!), plain old comparison, and my own secret hopes?

At the time, I found myself genuinely conflicted. I had to come to faith that I was created for the role of being a responder. To boil it down, for me it was a battle between Fantasy and Reality, and trust me, #thestrugglewasreal. This handsome, hairy man chose to pursue me, and now I can’t even imagine what I would have missed out on if the Holy Spirit had not filled me with enough bravery to abandon myself to the wild mystery that is relationship, and to risk saying yes to this amazing, faithful, funny, wise, self-sacrificing, imperfect, flesh-and-blood man who was right in front of me.

When a real-live man who is sincerely following Christ takes the initiative toward you, try responding. He is honoring you by wanting to know you. It takes vulnerability and courage to share his affection with you. I would hope that as tender women with soft hearts, we could have a heart-response of gratefulness and openness. Give a guy the chance. Be appreciative of what is right in front of you. Embrace the simple. Learn to accept that person and enjoy them for who they are. Let enough time pass to see what grows and develops without (a) rejecting the possibility of a future together, or (b) rushing straight ahead to planning the ceremony and imagining what your children will look like!

Let’s choose to have soft, grateful hearts for the men God brings into our lives. Every relationship along the way is an opportunity to practice responding out of our feminine hearts and honoring the masculine soul anywhere we see it on display. No matter what season we each find ourselves in, could we champion the men in our lives…our brothers, our dads, our pastors, our friends? Could we make it a joy for them to be the leaders they are created to be? the initiators? the hard workers? providers? protectors? They should be able to count on us as their #1 supporters. And after all, how irresistible is that?

This post was written by Jill Brown. To read more about her, click here.

Honor, Marriage

Honor in Marriage

March 14, 2016by hcfwomen1 Comment

Although we both come from good, God-fearing families, we came into our marriage with two TOTALLY different experiences. For example, when something broke at Curtis’ house, they fixed it. When something broke at MY house, we called a professional to fix it. 🙂 This seems very insignificant. But I soon found out that this was important to me. Honestly, the toilet in the dining room was merely an inconvenience that I had to experience. It was certainly not the end of the world, and we laugh about it now (Because when things break, he still fixes them himself).

Proverbs 31: 12 speaks of a wife of noble character relating to her husband: “She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”

So what does HONOR look like in a marriage when your expectations are constantly being disappointed by reality? It looks like:

praying for your husband even when you really want to speak loudly and erratically
learning to be patient when you really want to nag
treating him the way you want to be treated when you are frustrated with something he’s done (or not done)
being his cheerleader even when you think you know how to do it better
being his advocate when others put him down
learning how to manage your home so you’re not co-dependent on him

This post was written by Allison House. To read more about her, click here.

Love, Marriage

Balance in Marriage

February 8, 2016by hcfwomen1 Comment

As I was thinking about balance in marriage, I tried to imagine what this looks like.

Is it marital equality—where each person does his or her share, where all work inside and outside the home is evenly distributed?

I think the reality of that picture—if we can even fathom it—is as much of a unicorn as the reality of a woman who deftly does it all.

No woman can do it all. And no marriage can be quantifiably balanced.

In fact, I was grateful for the wisdom once shared to me: keeping score (of who has done the most chores, of who works hardest, of who slept the least, etc.) is not worth it. It’s never enough (for anyone), and no one wins.

If I start to feel that comparison creep into my marriage, it’s usually a symptom of something greater—my heart condition.

As a quick disclaimer, let’s be clear that only God can fully satisfy us. If we’re looking for that in our spouse, we won’t find it. If I’m feeling a little self-pity about my “too much to do” list at home, probably I’m not feeling loved. And when I’m in *that* place, I need to check the condition of my heart and remember who I am in Christ.

So, that’s not what we’re talking about today. But I was thinking maybe balance in marriage means making sure each other’s “love tank” is full.

Gary Chapman’s, The Five Love Languages may be cliché by now, but they are all widely accurate for relationships. Below is a list of the languages, but if you’re not familiar with them, you can find a description of each here:

Physical Touch
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Gifts

If your marriage feels out of balance—or if you feel like you need to move the focus of the fulcrum over your marriage in this season, maybe that starts with meeting your husband’s love language.

Howell and I are both big quality time people, so maybe we’re fortunate that our languages speak to each other. And we’ve learned if we schedule too many social nights away, we’ll both feel disconnected and starved for some QT.

But what if your husband craves acts of service? Is there something you can do for him around the house to fill his tank? Make his favorite meal? Help him with yard work?

What if your husband craves physical touch? Can you make time for sex and intimacy—or find ways to sneak in a hug or kiss even if you’re busy cooking dinner or chasing a toddler?

And what if your tank feels low too?

You might ask yourself if you’re putting unreasonable expectations on your spouse. And then communicate to him (respectfully!) what you need.

As with breaking any cycle, the first move is the hardest. But if you feel you need to bring balance back to your marriage, start by first determining what you can do to fill your husband’s love tank.

Do you need to check the condition of your heart today? What is one thing you can do today to fill your husband’s “love tank”?

This post was written by Laura Brandenburg. To read more about her, click here.

Love, Marriage

From Ordinary to Extraordinary – Part 2

May 29, 2015by hcfwomenLeave a Comment

Continuing from our previous post on marriage (if you have not read Part 1, click here)…

God’s story for us is one of pursuit and redemption, of lavish gifts and sacrificial love. This is not an epic love story—it’s The Epic Love Story.

God is love.

I love my husband. And over the last almost nine years, our relationship has grown from initial attraction and interest to deep love and affection; it has, at times, been both passionate and romantic, and other times, both ordinary and comfortable.

But Howell cannot be the lover of my soul. He cannot fill all my desires. He can’t complete me or satisfy me or fill me.

Only Jesus can do all of that.

And the moment I put that expectation on Howell: I fail, he fails, and our relationship stops working. Who can live up to that pressure? Who can trump Jesus?

It may sound paradoxical—let Jesus have all my desires, and my desire for Howell will be greater. Let Jesus fill me, and my love for Howell will be fuller. But that’s precisely how it works.

Today, we do have an extraordinary marriage not because of luck but because we’ve chosen to fight for our marriage—to choose forgiveness and to release expectations. Walking out forgiveness is even more countercultural than our expectations for love.

Deep down, here’s the battle. I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I know that he’s not spiteful or mean-spirited. He never intentionally hurts my feelings or disappoints me. But in the moment, I also feel hurt or disappointed. So the battle is determining what to choose—to choose what I know or to choose what I feel. And on paper, this sounds easy.

Obviously, I should choose what I know. But in the moment of your hurt feelings or disappointment, it’s a much more difficult decision. You think, if I choose to resolve this now, he won’t know how big of a deal it was. Or, if I choose to forgive, it’s just the same as saying it’s okay—and it’s not okay. Actually, the greatest lesson we could have learned (and I really believe this) was to stop saying “it’s okay” altogether. To, literally, stop using those words, and instead to say “I forgive you.”

Forgiveness brings freedom to your marriage. When you take the steps to surrender that issue—whether big or small—God comes in and does the supernatural work of healing. God comes in and restores love and grace in your heart toward your spouse. If the issue is small, the process of forgiveness is often easier, quicker. You remember why you love your spouse, you remember to expect the best in them, and you remember that you don’t want to keep record of wrongs. And so, you surrender and you release.

If the issue is great, sometimes that process takes more time. But don’t lose faith in His supernatural power; God is a God who heals—physically and emotionally. He can make you whole and free. He alone can fill your every desire. And He can bring extraordinary love to even the most ordinary marriages.

This post was written by Laura Brandenburg. To read more about her, click here.

Love, Marriage

From Ordinary to Extraordinary – Part 1

May 16, 2015by hcfwomen3 Comments

My husband Howell and I will be married 7 years this summer. I don’t want to gush, but in all sincerity, he is my greatest gift from God. We understand each other, even though our personalities are very different. I can’t remember the last time we had a fight, but it’s been weeks, maybe even months. I believe we have an extraordinary marriage, and when I really do think about it, I feel lucky.

But the Lord reminded me today that our journey to get here was paved with grace and forgiveness and hard work—not luck. During our two years of dating, we probably fought every day if not every other day—about something. Anything. And our first two or three years of marriage seemed only slightly better.

I was constantly offended; my feelings were always hurt. Generally, our arguments were based on this: I hoped/thought/expected that he would do/be/say X. And when he wasn’t doing/saying/being X, my feelings were deeply hurt. Clearly he didn’t love me because he if loved me, he would say/do/be X. And since he didn’t say/do/be X, I shouldn’t trust him, respect him, or love him either.

It was exhausting—for the both of us.

But today, our marriage is a source of joy and a safe place because we have chosen to persist in two major areas: expectations and forgiveness.

One of my issues—the creation of false expectations—was closely related to our culture’s view of love—our very false, very misplaced presentation and consumption of love: that love is romantic and fairytale, that love says your man will be transformed and will eventually—and at all times—meet your greatest desires with the right lines and big gestures.

So I had a lot of expectations about marriage and about Howell. Most of them were uncommunicated, too, so they became guesswork for him.

When we would argue, I would shut down, waiting for him to say the right line—the magical words. Read the script, Howell!

Of course, he didn’t know what his lines were supposed to be.

I remember one fight—a pretty serious one—where I left the house. I went to a park. I was hurting, and my instinct in our arguments was always to run. But in Hollywood, the boy always follows. He knows instinctively where she is. So I sat, and waited, and eventually (more angry than before), I went back home where my husband was also hurting and stressed out and unsure of what to do. I hadn’t given him the script then, either.

So maybe Hollywood and our culture are to blame, but the real ownership on my part comes from recognizing that my expectations were for Howell—not Jesus—to be my everything: to fill me, complete me, know me fully inside and out, comprehend my every thought and desire.

There is only one perfect man, and His name is Jesus. He made the greatest gesture any man could ever make for us; He became the ultimate example of self-sacrifice. Nothing trumps that. Nothing.

Stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon!

This post was written by Laura Brandenburg. To read more about her, click here.

Identity, Marriage

Green Acres

October 23, 2012July 5, 2013by hcfwomen3 Comments

When my husband and I went on our first date to a Texas Tech Homecoming game 27 years ago, I was completely smitten. My best friend Nancy knew after my second date with him that one day we would be married. Something in the way I talked and how my eyes sparkled whenever his name was mentioned, she said. She was certain of this before I was!

That’s what’s so cool about God. He knows us better than we know ourselves. About four months prior to our first date, you could say I’d had a little “heart to heart” with God. As I lay in my bed, the tears rolled off my cheeks and dampened my pillow. I had had enough. I was tired of feeling trampled emotionally by those whom I loved, and by those from whom I desired acceptance. I was tired of being asked out by some of the strangest men on planet Earth. And what’s really pathetic is I went out with them!! I guess some people would call that desperate. Yep.

Feeling very unloved, unaccepted, and ugly to the core, I turned this all over to the Father. My love for Christ has been unwavering since I trusted in Him as a young child. But, I had finally reached a point where I said, “God, You are the only one I need. I will seek Your approval alone. It’s You I will devote all my love and attention to. I’m through with dating, through with men. If I EVER date again, it’ll be only if You push him in front of me!”

That fall semester a little country bumpkin named Michael and his college roommate visited my church. It wasn’t what you’d call instant attraction for me, but it didn’t take long before I noticed his endearing smile. Then, it was his great sense of humor. And oh, what an unselfish, caring, genuine heart he had! We became fast friends and then soon fell in love.

Over the years Michael has made me feel at ease as he taught me farming ways. He likes to say, “Sweetie, at least with you, life won’t be boring!” This usually comes after I’ve created my own little disasters such as sucking up a mouse with my Kirby vacuum or after I’ve chopped off another water faucet with a riding lawn mower! Just the other day, I shared with Michael that I have so much joy in my heart and that I know where it comes from! It comes from the peace God has granted me to face any situation, and from knowing what I was called by Him to do – be a helpmate and a mother.
~Psalm 84:11-12 “For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the Lord withhold from those who do what is right. O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in you!”

This post was written by Cristie Harrell. To read more about her, click here.

Identity, Marriage

The “Good Wife”

August 10, 2012September 5, 2016by hcfwomen7 Comments

I think that for the majority of my marriage I thought being a “good wife” was all about the daily tasks and chores I got completed: grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, ironing, sex :), dishes, bills, etc. Then the kids started coming, and the list became even longer and more time consuming. More laundry, more dishes, more cleaning, more cooking…you get the picture! My worth became equivalent to the number of items I got marked off my list for the day, which some days, honestly was not a single one. This left me feeling discouraged, worthless, and like I was not measuring up. After all, if that Proverbs 31 chick could do all that and still rise before the sun, why couldn’t I?? It didn’t take Jonathan very long to discover something was off (it could have been the fact that he was out of clean underwear and there was not one single edible thing in the fridge.) He approached me one day and said something very profound, as he often does… “Kristen, I can honestly hire someone to do just about every single thing on your ‘list,’ but what I can’t pay money for is a wife.” What did that even mean?? Was he thinking of hiring a maid and a nanny? Did he get a big bonus I was unaware of? What is a “wife” anyway? I thought I was magically poofed at the altar! Proverbs 31:10 says, “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31 goes on to state all the “things” this amazing woman does! Her list is truly endless. For so many of us she is the role model we strive to become; she is the original “wonder woman” if you will. And for so many of us, we feel like we are constantly missing the mark. Heck, I don’t even sew! What we really miss is the heart behind ALL she does! Her list seems endless, and so does ours. Am I marking things off my list for the sake of my own personal satisfaction? What is the heart behind everything I do? You see, we are all called as wives to a specific role in our home. To the degree I wholeheartedly fulfill that role directly impacts my husband’s ministry! This was huge for me! Am I allowing my husband to reach cities or nations? The “things” we do are a part of who we are called to be, but no one can minister to my husband’s heart the way I can! That ministry, that HEART, starts the moment my feet hit the floor and lasts all day long. That HEART is the first thing he feels when he walks in the door at night! That HEART is the definition of a “good wife”!

This post was written by Kristen Wright.