Undo Shame

In Brene Brown’s words, “Shame is an intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we have experienced, done, or failed to do make us unworthy of connection.”

Shame is one of the first things introduced into the world after Adam and Eve sin. And what did they do as a direct response to their sin? They hid. They covered up. They lied. They blamed. I can identify with their shameful feelings and their reaction to those feelings. What are some things you and I hide behind or use to cover up our shame? We use busyness, procrastination, alcohol, pride, eating, social media, vanity, shopping/spending, our careers, perpetual lying…

Self-identity shame comes in all forms and fashions. This is a list of some lies I have believed during different seasons in my life directly resulting from shame:

  • I will never be good enough.
  • I am unclean.
  • I have failed.
  • Something must be wrong with me.
  • I am not qualified.
  • I am unwanted.
  • I’m not as pretty as {insert name here}.
  • I am unworthy.
  • My kids literally acted like animals in public. I must be a bad mom.
  • I literally acted like an animal to my children. I must be a bad mom.
  • My kids were rude to a bunch of people today. I must be a bad mom.
  • Why doesn’t my marriage look as happy as theirs? I must be a bad wife.

Can anyone relate??

Have you ever thought about how our culture makes money off of making women feel less than? That if you would just buy that one thing it will make your life better. For example, if you use this product on your cellulite, it will make it go away and you will be prettier. So therefore, if you have cellulite, something must be wrong. Hmmmm. You just took a bite from the forbidden fruit called marketing. So, you buy the cellulite product only to see zero results. Then you stop using it and swallow the lie that you just won’t ever be perfect enough.

BOLOGNA!

And what about social media? How does it tell you daily that you are less than? I’m not even going there. Ladies, so much of our brain power goes into shaming ourselves for the way we look. Something, somewhere is always screaming to us that we are defective. The truth is: we have been fed lies and manipulation for years.

We learn to fixate our thoughts on those feelings. For many years, I believed the lies the devil was feeding me. I strived and strived to become good enough. I stuffed and stuffed to become happy enough. I hid and hid to seem “ok” enough. It was a toxic, vicious cycle. That affects everyone at some point.

How did I break it?

  1. Attending Freedom in Christ – This was a huge part pf my healing. My eyes were opened to the unconditional love my Savior has for me. For the first time, I heard the truth that I am right with God. There is nothing that I have done in my past, nor will do in the future, that will change my value in Christ. Mistakes, failures, scars, and all, he accepts it and loves it! I learned that my works-based righteousness wasn’t going to help my issues. I couldn’t do better, act better, or be better to please God. This took time breaking my old thought patterns and creating new ones, but daily surrendering those and allowing the Lord to speak his truths over my heart changed me!
  • A loving friend called me one day and said, “JuLea, I think you need help”. To be honest, I wasn’t really looking for her to tell me that and, quite frankly, I was embarrassed. But I knew she was right. I reached out for help. I started seeing a counselor and still do to this day. There is such a stigma associated with counseling, but what is so crazy about seeking wise help?

When we learn to identify this within ourselves, we can then start the change. Undoing the shame of my struggle was a catalyst to my healing.

The lies women struggle with are all different. But the path to identifying those lies are all the same. Don’t let fear hold you captive to your struggles. Shame has a way of isolating us. And isolation FEEDS our shame. So the result is more isolation and more shame. Exactly what the devil wants.

Shame is simply an emotion. Emotions are part of every human experience. You are human. Offer yourself grace TODAY!

Breaking these thought patterns about ourselves takes time, patience, and a lot of will power. Breath by breath, you will rise out of the waters. To not drown, you HAVE to move your arms, lift your head, and MOVE forward. Shame will begin losing its power over you. God helped me face and overcome shame and He will help you, too!

The good news is the discussion about your value and ability is OVER. It was decided on the cross.

YOU ARE GOD’S MASTERPIECE. Created for good works. God made you just the way you are. God is a perfect God – He doesn’t make mistakes.

You are WHOLE, COMPLETE, FLAWLESS, LACKING NOTHING. Jesus is your righteousness and your provider of everything you need. Philippians 4:19

Here are a few practical ways that can help you start winning your battle over shame that helped me:

  1. Pray, pray, pray in the spirit on every occasion without ceasing.
  2. FORGIVE YOURSELF.
  3. Live in a constant state of worship.
  4. Write notes on the bathroom mirror or the car to remind you of your value.
  5. Set an alarm every 30 min. to declare a truth of scripture over yourself. (Really, JuLea?!? YES, do it!!)
  6. Hang around life giving people who speak life into who you are in Christ, not who you were.
  7. See a counselor. Get help. Reach out to someone. Bring it to light. (This was huge!)

Believe what your Heavenly Father says about who you are today… not your social media. Our minds are a battlefield. Jesus died on the cross and has already won that battle you are facing today. Claim that ground back. Defeat shame and claim victory today.

We would like to thank JuLea Bouma for writing this post.

One Word

With the new year coming, most of us already have things we want to change… to do differently… to start over on… we want a fresh clean slate and a new focus. I want to share with you an idea that has helped me so much the last few years, hoping it might help you too.

It’s the simple practice of choosing ONE WORD for the upcoming year. Not a phrase, not a statement, just a single word. In reality, it’s not choosing a word, but asking the Lord to reveal what one word HE wants to be your focus for 2019. Unlike New Year’s Resolutions, which are easy to fail at, a one-word focus can simplify your life, illuminate your path and bring direction and boundaries in all areas of your life.  

The first year I did this, I immediately knew what my word would be. 

BOLDNESS.  

This word was both exciting and terrifying to me, because I was timid to speak up, afraid to be in front of people, and more comfortable hiding in the background than leading out front. But God had put a desire for boldness inside of me, and I knew without it, I could never become who God meant for me to be. I just needed my Father to open my heart to where he was moving, and I needed to agree to walk hand in hand with him as he strategically put opportunities and challenges in front of me.  

Challenges that would draw boldness out of me.  

He gave me courage to say YES to speaking up with my thoughts and opinions, speaking in public (even in front of hundreds!), taking risks, praying big prayers, leading out front, and so much more. He showed me over and over what BOLDNESS looks like in me, and he did not let me fail at what I was fearful of.   

When you start asking the Lord for a word for 2019, the Holy Spirit will begin revealing a word that agrees with what your heart longs for. It could be a character trait, a discipline, a fruit of the Spirit, an attribute of God, a spiritual gift.  But it will take a relationship with the Lord to stay focused and listen and follow where he is leading. There will be highs and lows as God uses this word to light up your path, and also reveal things that need to change. But remember, the Lord is giving you this focus not to see you fail, but to help you succeed in the plans He has for you and His Kingdom. 

If you’re serious about this, you’ll come up against tough decisions and opposition. I suggest sharing your word with a few trusted friends so that when discouragement comes, or when you get distracted, they can help you re-focus. An important way to keep this word front and center in your life is to post it in places where you will see it often, like your car, your desk, or your bathroom mirror. I have a cute little 2×3 frame that sits on my desk and reminds me often of my word. I also love making these for my friends and encouraging them to stay the course throughout the year. See the attached photo above of the frames I made for my friends. Super simple.

This year my word has been TRUST. From a car wreck in February that could have ended my life, to unexpected challenges in health, leadership and relationships, the Lord has so much more deeply established my trust in Him. I’m pretty sure I already know what my word is for 2019, and as usual, it’s both exciting and scary!  

I wonder what your word will be?! If you ask God, I know he will show you and walk with you step by step to places you thought you could never go. Your word will be greater than yourself, but not greater than our powerful and loving Father GOD. 

“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” Psalm 109:105

“No dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.” Philippians 3:13-14.

We would like to thank Jill Moudy for writing this post!

Perfection is a Liar

A few weeks ago, I re-entered the Facebook world. I had stepped back from it after a revelation in my life about comparison.

Facebook was a gate the enemy was using on me. I was allowing it to control me and that was not healthy.

I found myself looking at all the great women on there, with their clean, well behaved children. Their organized perfect lives. Their incredible birthday parties. Everyone else’s great fashion sense, etc, etc etc………..

It led me to compare myself to all of them. And to all of their stuff. And to all of their relationships. And that left me feeling like I was never gonna measure up.

It was cultivating a seed of jealousy in my heart.  

I don’t throw fantastic birthday parties for my kids. We wear wrinkled clothes. We have discipline problems around here. I don’t have much fashion sense sometimes.

I had to learn how to shut that gate, stop comparing myself and start intentionally focusing on what God says about me. By doing so, my life has changed!

I intentionally have to declare over and over and over:

I am chosen by HIM (1 Thes. 1:4).

I am anointed by the Holy One (1 John 2:20).

I am a saint and loved by God (Romans 1:7). 

I am enough for Him, and I am enough for my family. They weren’t given to me by accident. My kids and my husband are on purpose.

And you know what? They love their birthday parties. They love being home. They say things like “hey mom- thanks for washing my band shirt!”

Believing in Who I am in Christ,  has allowed me to be REAL. To be who HE created me to be. Perfection is a liar. We are just regular people. Doing regular life in Plainview, TX . But we have an extraordinary God, who loves us, supports us, and leads us.  I am so okay with that kind of regular.

So now, I can get on Facebook and enjoy and celebrate all the beautiful faces and beautiful lives I get to be a part of! It is so freeing. My identity doesn’t rest in what I am not, but rather in what I AM!

In this week of Christmas, I pray that you will have a revelation.  That you won’t have to struggle with expectations and comparison the ways I have. That you will know who God says you are, and that you will have freedom, to be your real self. Just the way He created you. And that you will know the love of our Father like never before! Love came down to you. Love took on flesh, and became man for you. Lets celebrate that this Christmas!

We would like to thank April Hall for writing this post!

True Confessions of a Pastor’s Wife

 

Sometimes I don’t feel very spiritual…there, I said it. It’s true…off and on throughout our marriage, I’ve questioned whether what I’m doing is actually “advancing God’s Kingdom.”  Is it profitable, or should I do something else?

This week, June 29, Brad and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage. That number is CRAZY to me. We have served in every area imaginable at Harvest Christian Fellowship in Plainview, Texas.  I always knew I’d marry a pastor and that we would serve in a local church…but throughout the span of 21 years, I never imagined how my life would be challenged, how much I’d grow in my love for Christ and my love for others. Or that we’d find ourselves where we are today, leading and loving the most humble and giving people I’ve ever met.  And yet, in the middle of such a great life, I’ve continually found myself questioning my role.  Does what I’m doing matter?  Is it really enough for me to love Brad and serve him and our family?  Is it enough that I show up on Sundays and hug those I run into and pray for people God puts on my heart?  Too often I’ve felt like I could be doing more, and I’ve questioned whether I’m making a difference.  

God so graciously spoke His truth to my heart a few weeks ago concerning this issue. I was once again in my cycle of feeling unimportant and useless. I was reading in Malachi, and I came across the verses in 3:13-15:

‘Your words have been arrogant against Me,’ says the Lord. ‘Yet you say, “What have we spoken against You?” You have said, “It is vain to serve God; and what profit is it that we have kept His charge, and that we have walked in mourning before the Lord of hosts? So now we call the arrogant blessed; not only are the doers of wickedness built up but they also test God and escape.’

You see, after reading that I realized my words have been arrogant against God. Who am I to say my work isn’t enough, to question if what I’m doing is vain or profiting God’s Kingdom?  Brad and I, to the best of our ability, have prayed and listened to God’s direction. We’ve lived in such a way that our family is surrendered to Christ. And in this obedience life is found.  In this obedience God produces abundance.   I quickly repented for my arrogant words toward God and asked Him to renew my mind. 

I write this post not to get any accolades or reassurance to my place in the church, but to encourage you, the reader. 

I can’t help believing more people than just me have ever felt this way. I think in general women question their place and whether what they’re doing is making a difference, and what I want to say to you is yes!  Yes, it is!  When we are listening to the Holy Spirit and following His lead, what He’s asking us to do is not in vain. It is for a purpose. It’s to advance His Kingdom. 

Each diaper you change, each paper you grade, each dinner you make, each hug you give, each prayer you pray, each text of encouragement that you send, each word of affirmation you give to your husband or your child or your friend. It matters, it’s changing lives, it’s impacting this world for Christ, and it’s not in vain. 

And our service at church…wow, what an impact it’s making in our community.  Over 80% of our members serve in our church. That number is unheard of. I promise you, God sees where you’re giving, and He says it is not in vain.  

So let’s keep being women who hear the voice of God and obey His calling, and let’s stay in a place of humility where we don’t question our calling, where we agree with God’s word, that what we’re doing is making a difference. It is changing this world for Christ. We all look different; our callings and careers are different. It’s the beauty of Christ. What a gift we are to this world.  

Lovingly,

Julie

This post was written by Julie Snellgrove. To read more about her, click here. 

True Confessions of a Pastor’s Wife

Sometimes I don’t feel very spiritual…there, I said it. It’s true…off and on throughout our marriage, I’ve questioned whether what I’m doing is actually “advancing God’s Kingdom.”  Is it profitable, or should I do something else?

This week, June 29, Brad and I will celebrate 21 years of marriage. That number is CRAZY to me. We have served in every area imaginable at Harvest Christian Fellowship in Plainview, Texas.  I always knew I’d marry a pastor and that we would serve in a local church…but throughout the span of 21 years, I never imagined how my life would be challenged, how much I’d grow in my love for Christ and my love for others. Or that we’d find ourselves where we are today, leading and loving the most humble and giving people I’ve ever met.  And yet, in the middle of such a great life, I’ve continually found myself questioning my role.  Does what I’m doing matter?  Is it really enough for me to love Brad and serve him and our family?  Is it enough that I show up on Sundays and hug those I run into and pray for people God puts on my heart?  Too often I’ve felt like I could be doing more, and I’ve questioned whether I’m making a difference.  

God so graciously spoke His truth to my heart a few weeks ago concerning this issue. I was once again in my cycle of feeling unimportant and useless. I was reading in Malachi, and I came across the verses in 3:13-15:

‘Your words have been arrogant against Me,’ says the Lord. ‘Yet you say, “What have we spoken against You?” You have said, “It is vain to serve God; and what profit is it that we have kept His charge, and that we have walked in mourning before the Lord of hosts? So now we call the arrogant blessed; not only are the doers of wickedness built up but they also test God and escape.’

You see, after reading that I realized my words have been arrogant against God. Who am I to say my work isn’t enough, to question if what I’m doing is vain or profiting God’s Kingdom?  Brad and I, to the best of our ability, have prayed and listened to God’s direction. We’ve lived in such a way that our family is surrendered to Christ. And in this obedience life is found.  In this obedience God produces abundance.   I quickly repented for my arrogant words toward God and asked Him to renew my mind. 

I write this post not to get any accolades or reassurance to my place in the church, but to encourage you, the reader. 

I can’t help believing more people than just me have ever felt this way. I think in general women question their place and whether what they’re doing is making a difference, and what I want to say to you is yes!  Yes, it is!  When we are listening to the Holy Spirit and following His lead, what He’s asking us to do is not in vain. It is for a purpose. It’s to advance His Kingdom. 

Each diaper you change, each paper you grade, each dinner you make, each hug you give, each prayer you pray, each text of encouragement that you send, each word of affirmation you give to your husband or your child or your friend. It matters, it’s changing lives, it’s impacting this world for Christ, and it’s not in vain. 

And our service at church…wow, what an impact it’s making in our community.  Over 80% of our members serve in our church. That number is unheard of. I promise you, God sees where you’re giving, and He says it is not in vain.  

We just finished a week at our Catalyst Youth Camp. As I watched countless sponsors love and serve on over 140 of our teens, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude, admiration, and appreciation.  

Each sponsor not only took a week’s worth of vacation, they also paid their own way to go to camp. It was a huge sacrifice and a huge commitment—one I understand and one I’ve embraced many times throughout the years.  The life of a Christian is one of sacrifice and commitment. It’s laying down one’s own agenda to love and serve others.  It’s something you don’t fully understand until you’ve fully surrendered to Christ and His word.  And this work, this way of living, this life of surrender is not done in vain. It’s done out of obedience, and it advances God’s Kingdom. 

So let’s keep being women who hear the voice of God and obey His calling, and let’s stay in a place of humility where we don’t question our calling, where we agree with God’s word, that what we’re doing is making a difference. It is changing this world for Christ. We all look different; our callings and careers are different. It’s the beauty of Christ. What a gift we are to this world.  

Lovingly,

Julie

This post was written by Julie Snellgrove. To read more about her, click here. 

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My Story: Taking off the Masks

When I was first asked to “write my story” for the HCF women’s blog, I hesitated.  I mentioned it to my husband and he replied, “Have you?”  Uh no, my first thought was fear. Fear of being vulnerable, of being a not-so-good writer, of what others think…..I was then reminded in a gentle voice, “I did not give you a spirit of fear but of courage.” Well then, here I go.

I have always been one that had put a “mask on.” I have lived with so many of those that I couldn’t remember who the real Kerstin was. I hid in shame from many different things, such as things done to me as a child. Other things were poor choices I made as I went into my teen years and then as an adult. I hid anger toward others by hurting myself, hid so many emotions and feelings; I didn’t know where one started and another ended. Masks don’t allow a person to grow, love, feel, share—they only allow you to “exist.”

I “knew” God existed, but I placed Him in the area of the “punisher/doesn’t care” category in my life. As an adult, I went to church, and was involved in church activities…all the while pretending with my mask of “goodness.” And then about 8 years ago my life started to come together in the right direction.

I married the man I have always known in my heart. We didn’t listen to God and our hearts 35 years ago, and in those years we existed without each other. During these last 8 years, we have come to know the Lord together, and are building our relationship in love, respect and truth through our commitment to the Lord.

During our wedding ceremony, we had a rope placed around our hands and took our vows, showing that Christ is the tie that binds us. Our hearts are now one with Christ. I have finally let those masks fall, realizing that with Christ I don’t have to fear what others will think, or of being vulnerable. I was able to share those secrets about my masks with my husband—some that I have lived with since childhood—and I did it without shame, fear or guilt. I felt such deep love and respect from him when I did it, and felt peace and a release of a very heavy burden. I finally felt the peace and love of God.

My husband has been my biggest supporter of who I am—a woman, friend, mother, spouse and grandma who loves fully and deeply, who cries at commercials on TV, who is a playful, joyful free spirit dancing to the songs on the radio, and best of all a child of a loving God. I do this without being a “slave to fear” as the song “No Longer Slaves” reminds me.

What “masks” do you put on? Would you let them fall today and surrender them to Jesus?

This post was written by Kerstin DelDonno. To read more about her, click here.

Caring for “Me”

beauty-from-ashes“Who is this coming up from the wilderness, leaning upon her beloved?”  Song of Solomon 8:5

I have never in my life had such a definitive change in seasons.

All my past season changes were kind of blended like fall blends into winter and winter into spring.

This season change is almost like a nuclear holocaust…just a blank landscape with a wide open space of nothing except the debris of what used to be.

I have been a care-giver most of my life, starting as a child of a single parent. I gave care to my mama, my brother, and our home to help relieve some of my mama’s burden.  Then came the season of marriage and child-raising.  We all know what that requires of a wife and mother.  Then all of a sudden the season of caring for the elders in my family arrived, and it lasted longer than the season of child-raising.

Now that all of these seasons have come and gone, I find my soul is weary and so is my body.  As I sit in my woman-cave, I look around at all of the clutter that has accumulated during this past season and ponder: “Is this indicative of my heart, Lord? Is my heart so cluttered from the weariness and emotions of this past season that I need to be decluttered?”  And as I quietly sit here, I hear my Jesus’ voice:

Come to Me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you.  Let Me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.

(Matt. 11:28-30 NLT).

So, I have a choice.  I can get in my normal “who” of being task-oriented and ABC-123, and slog through this wilderness in my own effort and keep on keeping on.  Or I can stop and wait.

I can wait at the edge of this new season until I am refreshed in my soul.  I can wait until I can see clearly God’s plan for me in this new season.  I can wait and not be discouraged as I allow Holy Spirit to clear the clutter of emotions out of my heart and help me clear the clutter in my home.  I can wait while the “Mary” in me is refreshed and revived, and the “Martha” takes a rest.

So, for now I plan to do some self-care, taking time to rest by not having so many self-expectations.  I can enjoy doing life with my husband without having to put others’ needs before ours.  I can be content keeping busy at home.  I can still care for others through being diligent in prayer.  And I can look forward with expectation to what God has for me. 

This post was written by Kitty Shipman. To read more about her, click here.