Category: Grief

Faith, Family, God's Presence, Grief, Life Groups, Trust

You Can’t Rush God’s Promises

by hcfwomen2 Comments on You Can’t Rush God’s Promises

During the month of January, we will be reposting some of the top posts from 2018. We hope these will encourage you and connect to your heart. Stay tuned for all new posts coming in February 2018!

Editor’s Note: This semester women from our three campuses have read Titus 2 and shared what God placed on their heart. May you be encouraged and challenged to connect with God and the power of His presence in this season of your life.

Ten months ago, Brent and I decided to try adoption again.  Our hearts were ready.  The timing was good.  Johnny would be 3 when Baby would arrive, so they could share a room.  The girls are the perfect age and would be so helpful.  He and Johnny would be best buds.  They’d play dinosaurs, giggle, and wrestle.  I had dreams.  After our first international adoption attempt, we said that we wanted to have the next one “handed over to us”.  This one was.  How could this not be God?  Doors kept opening, so we kept walking.

My husband was apprehensive the first three months.  We sought counsel from God, family, friends, attorneys, etc.  Over the next few months, I went to sonograms and grew a relationship with the birth mom.  After four months, Brent finally decided this baby boy was going to be our 4thchild.   Two days later, the birth mom started having complications.  We immediately texted our support system asking for prayers and wisdom.  Liam Jacob was born at 23 weeks and went to be with Jesus that same day.  I’ve never experienced pain like that before.

The joy I had was sucked right out of me.  How could this be God?  I felt angry at Him.  “We’ve been faithful.  We’ve done everything right.  Why are you taking this away from us?” I just didn’t understand.  I felt alone.

The devil knows when we are vulnerable, and his subtle deceiving whispers walked me into a season of fear, anxiety, and stress.  I didn’t notice it at first.  I just felt disappointed, confused, and embarrassed by another unsuccessful adoption.  “God, why do we feel called to adopt when it’s not working?”  When our birth mom was in the hospital contracting the night before Liam was born, I went up at ministry time during Core to receive prayer.  I tried to be strong, but I was disappointed.  That night God brought some healing and comfort through the prayers of my friends.

But after Liam passed away, unhealed emotional wounds became a stronghold in my life.  Ladies, we need to expose the devil when his lies feel true.  Find a few ladies that you trust, be honest and let His light shine into your situation. I couldn’t have done this alone. God has given us the gift of community. Throughout this process I received advice, wisdom, and guidance from friends.  I’ve been a recipient of what Titus 2 is supposed to look like because the ladies in my life have taken Titus 2 seriously.  What did that look like?

  • The book a friend gave me on miscarriages.
  • The hug another gave me.
  • The text to check on how I was doing.
  • The encouragement from another friend, “God wants you to know He hasn’t given up on this dream, so you don’t either.”
  • The prayer from another, “Allow disappointment to happen.  You don’t have to guard your heart.”
  • The spoken words of my Father to me, “I am faithful. Your plans pale in comparison to what I have for you.  Keep trusting deeper.”

Does it hurt? Yes.  Is it sad? Yes.  Did it bring Brent and me closer? Yes.  Is my relationship with my Father any different because my trust in His plan didn’t work out? Yes.  It’s actually stronger, because I’m certain He has a better plan for us.  

When we guard our heart and mind in truth, we won’t be shaken.  When we call upon the name of the Lord, we won’t be shaken.  Titus 2:13-14 reminds me that we can have hope.  We find peace, worth, and infinite value in our Lord.  You will endure hardships and the Lord WILL be with you.  Don’t lose hope, Friend. He’s got this!

We would like to thank JuLea Bouma for this post.

Family, Grief, Holidays

Grief and the New Normal

by hcfwomen1 Comment on Grief and the New Normal

You’ve lost a parent. The funeral services are over and family and friends have returned to their lives and normal activities, and you realize that the normal you once knew no longer exists. You are faced with a new normal, one you didn’t want and didn’t ask for. There are no more Tuesday doctor appointments or Friday lunch dates. You pick up the phone to call your loved one to only realize that no one is there to answer. A hollow emptiness follows and you feel that you are all alone.

Everyone has moved on and seems to wonder why you haven’t, too. They don’t realize their normal still exists so they have the same platform to operate from, where your normal is gone and your very foundation has been shaken. The solid footing you have known your whole life has crumbled and changed.

You have stepped into a new reality with a new foundation of normal. It is similar to the end of other phases in your life. You graduate high school and can never go back to childhood. You get married and no longer identify with the single crowd. You have children and life is forever changed. A big difference between these situations and the one you are facing now is that you looked forward to those changes. You were happy about them, dreamed about them, planned for them. You shared your joy and excitement with your family and friends. But this is something different. The joy and excitement is missing, and you don’t jump in with both feet ready to get this new life started. You stand on the edge of your new normal looking back at what you no longer have, remembering, wanting.

You feel lost and alone. Your emotions are all over the place, and sometimes you question your sanity. “Is this normal? Do other people feel this way?”

You are not alone. It is like an elite club whose membership requirement is to have experienced the loss of a parent and faced the transition into a new normal. We see you and feel your hurt. Even if we know nothing else about you except that you have lost your parent, we feel a bond with you. It is like a secret handshake in the brotherhood. We identify with you.

You may not hear us or see us, but we are thinking of you and praying for you. We think of you in the days and weeks following the services, when all of your family and friends have gone home. We think of you each time we think of our lost loved ones: on holidays; in the grocery store seeing the cherries that Daddy always bought; sitting and watching the grandkids and remembering the patience Mother had, sitting for hours watching us; seeing you praise and worship in church, and knowing that the Lord is meeting you in a special way and touching you deep in your spirit.

I just wanted you to know. You are not alone.

This post was written by Darla Carthel. To read more about her, click here.

Grief

On Grief

by hcfwomenLeave a Comment on On Grief

Grief can occur from a multitude of things. I grieved when Daddy was diagnosed with cancer. I grieved when Mother was diagnosed with dementia and I realized that the mother I had known was lost to me. I grieved when each of them died. All three forms are the same process, the same pain.

There are 5 stages to grief:

  1. denial and isolation
  2. anger
  3. bargaining
  4. depression
  5. acceptance

You don’t always go through them in order, and may not experience all of them. Grief is unique to the individual, and can hit you out of the blue: in a movie, at the store, when you pick up the phone to call them and realize that they aren’t there to call.

You have to allow yourself to grieve. There is no correct amount of time and no right way. It is personal, but if you don’t allow yourself to heal, you can move into complex grief, which requires professional help.

One of the hardest things in dealing with grief, is that while you are dealing with yours, and trying to hang on, others are dealing with theirs, and trying to hang on, and you are thrown into the mix together.

There are 3 personality types for expressing grief:

  • Intuitive mourners– touchy, feely, comfortable with emotion. Sensitive to others. Less able to rationalize and may appear more overwhelmed and devastated.
  • Instrumental mourners – seek accurate information, analyze facts, make informed decisions, problem solvers. They may appear to others as cold and uncaring, seeming to be dispassionate and detached
  • Dissonant mourners – in conflict between what they experience internally and what they express outwardly. They are in conflict with themselves and want to avoid it. They struggle to hide their true feelings in order to maintain the image they want to put forth. They may condemn themselves and feel guilty for not feeling what they think they are suppose to feel.

Whichever category you are in, to you that is the right way. It is easy to judge others and be angry, but it is important to remember to have grace for those in the other categories, too.

In the body of Christ, we are gifted in different areas. Some are merciful, others are nurturers, others servants. But as we grow in Christ, we try to develop all of these areas within ourselves, and learn to do what doesn’t come naturally.

The way you handle grief and caring for elderly parents can be viewed in the same way. We need to step up and do whatever needs to be done. Do your part and let others do theirs, in all areas. You need each other, and need to help each other stay healthy.

There are people willing to help you. Let them. Find someone who has experienced it, and ask questions. Turn to your family and friends. They are the physical hug from the Living God Who will get you through this.

This post was written by Darla Carthel. To read more about her, click here. 

Fruitfulness, Gratitude, Grief, Kindness

An Attitude of Gratitude

by hcfwomen4 Comments on An Attitude of Gratitude
An Attitude of Gratitude

Starting my mornings off in my cozy bed with my personalized Bible verse has really been a positive action for me. Rise and shine!

This is the day the Lord has made. Let ME rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 118:24

I try to say it out loud and declare it to be so. 

 It is very important for me to talk myself into a positive grateful mood to begin my day and often to continue that positivity throughout my day. You see, my precious husband of 46 plus years has had Alzheimer’s Disease for a long time. I have been a caregiver for others with Alzheimer’s also. My husband’s aunt, my wonderful Mother, my special Mother Mother-in-Law, and numerous patients. I have been a RN for over 45 years. 

 Forming the habit of being positive in each situation that arises is difficult, but not impossible with God’s help.

l can do anything through Jesus Christ who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

Find something affirmative in each situation that arises. Even if whatever is taking place at the moment is not so good, expect God to bring good out of it.

Surrounding yourself with Christians, such as your family, church family, neighborhood friends, colleagues, support groups, etc., is extremely important. You can cry, laugh, express your anxiety, get angry when you need to, and hopefully without judgement. Praying with a group is so refreshing, healing, and empowering. 

The act of grieving is so very hard when your loved one is leaving you mentally while his body is shriveling slowly away. Gratefully, he’s not in pain. I have laid next to him reminiscing about our life—especially how we met, holidays, birthdays, trips, harvesting, sport events, friends, etc. Not crying, for his sake, was extremely hard, but then on my long drive home from Lubbock back to our farm a flood of tears came. Many times I had to stop off the side of the highway to get my crying over with so I could drive home safely.

I truly enjoyed my days of laughter with my husband. I could not laugh AT him with his very bizarre actions or things he said caused by his Alzheimer’s. I did laugh about those things later though. “A cheerful heart is a good medicine.” Proverbs 17:22

Making out a list of your blessings is cathartic. Thanking God for the love of my life, our 2 wonderful sons, our 2 fantastic daughter-In-laws, and our four terrific growing-up-way-too-fast grandchildren is at the top of that list. Having the finances for my husband’s care is such a blessing. I am so very grateful for the good care he is receiving though the nursing home and hospice staff. What a blessing these hardworking loving people are.

Care givers, take care of yourself!! Ask for help. Accept help. Take care of your medical needs. Exercise, find some form of activity that you like so that you will do it. Get with a buddy so you will be accountable. Make your exercise a routine habit. You’ll feel so much better. Feed yourself healthy meals. Your body is a temple of God. Treat it that way. Show your body the GRATITUDE it deserves.

~*~*~*~

Helen Teeple is our guest writer today. She has been married for over 46 years, and has 2 sons, Brian & Keith. They have 1 granddaughter and 3 grandsons. Helen has been a BSN, RN for over 45 years. “I knew I want to be a nurse when I was 6 years old. When a RN friend called me to come to work as a Hospice Nurse I felt God was preparing me for the season of my life I am experiencing now.”

Helen is a member of the  First United Methodist Church of Floydada, TX. She grew up in Irving, TX, and graduated from TWU in Denton, TX. She lives on their farm in South Plains. “I never thought or dreamed I would marry a farmer, but God sure had other plans for us, and I’m glad I followed His directions!”

Grief

Re: The Heart of Grief

by hcfwomen2 Comments on Re: The Heart of Grief

griefDuring the month of January, we will be reposting some of the top posts from 2016. We hope these will encourage you and connect to your heart. Stay tuned for all new posts coming in February 2017!

I remember so clearly the moment the pediatric ICU doctor asked Brad and I to come into the conference room. He wanted to show us the MRI of David’s brain and explain to us the effect that the stroke had had on his brain. He seemed so calm and nonchalant, like this was just another day in the office.  As he pointed to the picture on the screen, he explained that the part of David’s brain that was all black was the part that was completely dead because of the lack of blood flow. It looked as if half of David’s brain was not working any longer.   I was completely in shock and overwhelmed… It was truly the first time I had ever wanted to punch someone in the face. In that moment the rage I had towards this reality, the fact that my 5-month-old son had a stroke, was overwhelming.  It was the first time I had really experienced grief. It was all I could do to stay standing and to walk out of that conference room. As I went back to David laying in his crib in the pediatric ICU, the only thing that was going through my mind was the lyrics to a song that had been playing in my car. The words to the song said “He is good, He is good, His love endures forever.  Give thanks to the Lord for He is good.”

I am still overwhelmed today when I think about that picture of David’s brain. The emotions I feel about the traumatic experience we’ve walked through are still real today. The grace of God in that moment, was the song that He so graciously sang over me…it reminds me of God’s ability. Not my ability. It reminds me to give thanks to God. To speak the truth of God’s goodness over David and his stroke and over other circumstances I face that bring sadness and grief to my heart.  It reminds me that God’s love is forever!  Grief and sorrow are real. They stay with us. But God extends His grace to us when we are dealing with grief and that grace allows us to keep living.

Two verses will always be dear to my heart because of David’s stroke. One is in Deuteronomy 30:19.

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

 

The other is Psalm 126:5,

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy.

God continues to use both of these verses when I’m walking through grief. One of them gives me permission to feel and cry, and the other encourages me to choose life…even in the middle of my pain.  Grief is real. It’s an emotion that’s meant to throw us into the presence of God.

Dear friends, if you’re experiencing grief today don’t ignore it. Run towards God…let His grace wash over you. Let His words speak to your heart. There is no shame in grief…in fact we can see it as a gift if we’re willing to experience it, embrace it, and receive God’s comfort because of it. 

May the peace of God always rule deeply in our hearts…no matter what we face!

Blessings,

Julie

This post was written by Julie Snellgrove. To read more about her, click here. 

Family, Grief, Hospitality, Identity

Making a Home: Words for a Care-Giver

by hcfwomen4 Comments on Making a Home: Words for a Care-Giver

My perceived golden years were supposed to be the time when ingathering was finished and I could enjoy the fruits of my many years of labor. The time when most of my bucket list could start happening and I could do the things I had put on the back-burner and told myself I’d do when I got old and gray. Then life got in the way and things didn’t go as I dreamed. My Little Mama’s golden years became tarnished by the patina of Alzheimer’s and she needed a care-giver. My golden years had changed into something totally different than I expected.

In seeking God‘s perspective for this season in my life He reminded me of this promise in 2 John 1,3:

To the elect lady and her children (family)… Grace, mercy and peace WILL be with you from God the Father and from the Lord Jesus Christ…

He reminded me that these words were much more than a salutation. They were HIS words of LIFE to me and that if I received each one and laid claim to them for my own as a daily blessing from Him then I could be who He wanted me to be for my family in this season.

GRACE. MERCY. PEACE. These words have nothing to do with what I do to make my home comfortable for my family….they have everything to do with who I am in my home with my family.

It is God’s grace that helps me when I have to parent my parent to make sure she remains safe and healthy. It is His grace that helps me in the times buttons from childhood get pushed and I want to respond in a defensive, emotional, or hateful way. It is His grace that helps me to be able to walk away from the physical clutter and chaos that this disease brings into a home.

It is His mercy flowing through me that gives me compassion for the times Little Mama comes to me scared because she doesn’t know where her parents or her husband or her puppy is. Mercy for when she doesn’t know where she is or why she is living with me so that I can comfort her and make her feel safe. It is His mercy that lets me know it is okay to be messed up emotionally at times when I get frustrated or when I see the confusion and pain in Little Mama’s eyes.

Most of all I find I can have inner peace because I know I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing in this season. Honoring my Little Mama and knowing this pleases my DAD. And if I continue to press in to receive and live in these blessings from Him, my home will flow in abundance of what He wants it to be….maybe not Better Homes and Gardens perfect, but God-Perfect….a life-giving, loving, warm, comfortable and safe haven for my family’s spirits.

This post was written by Kitty Shipman. To read more about her, click here. 

Grief

The Heart of Grief

by hcfwomenLeave a Comment on The Heart of Grief

griefI remember so clearly the moment the pediatric ICU doctor asked Brad and I to come into the conference room. He wanted to show us the MRI of David’s brain and explain to us the effect that the stroke had had on his brain. He seemed so calm and nonchalant, like this was just another day in the office.  As he pointed to the picture on the screen, he explained that the part of David’s brain that was all black was the part that was completely dead because of the lack of blood flow. It looked as if half of David’s brain was not working any longer.   I was completely in shock and overwhelmed… It was truly the first time I had ever wanted to punch someone in the face. In that moment the rage I had towards this reality, the fact that my 5-month-old son had a stroke, was overwhelming.  It was the first time I had really experienced grief. It was all I could do to stay standing and to walk out of that conference room. As I went back to David laying in his crib in the pediatric ICU, the only thing that was going through my mind was the lyrics to a song that had been playing in my car. The words to the song said “He is good, He is good, His love endures forever.  Give thanks to the Lord for He is good.”

I am still overwhelmed today when I think about that picture of David’s brain. The emotions I feel about the traumatic experience we’ve walked through are still real today. The grace of God in that moment, was the song that He so graciously sang over me…it reminds me of God’s ability. Not my ability. It reminds me to give thanks to God. To speak the truth of God’s goodness over David and his stroke and over other circumstances I face that bring sadness and grief to my heart.  It reminds me that God’s love is forever!  Grief and sorrow are real. They stay with us. But God extends His grace to us when we are dealing with grief and that grace allows us to keep living.

Two verses will always be dear to my heart because of David’s stroke. One is in Deuteronomy 30:19.

I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.

 

The other is Psalm 126:5,

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy.

God continues to use both of these verses when I’m walking through grief. One of them gives me permission to feel and cry, and the other encourages me to choose life…even in the middle of my pain.  Grief is real. It’s an emotion that’s meant to throw us into the presence of God.

Dear friends, if you’re experiencing grief today don’t ignore it. Run towards God…let His grace wash over you. Let His words speak to your heart. There is no shame in grief…in fact we can see it as a gift if we’re willing to experience it, embrace it, and receive God’s comfort because of it. 

May the peace of God always rule deeply in our hearts…no matter what we face!

Blessings,

Julie

This post was written by Julie Snellgrove. To read more about her, click here.